That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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