my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You are a genius and a whore.
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