did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
