Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
