I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
