Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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