Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
