My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
