Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
