There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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