On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
