Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
