Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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