So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
