Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
