my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
