Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
