her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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