Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
