I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
