Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Come see our sink grown plant.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
