Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
