We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
