She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize