We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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