I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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