I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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