I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
And then he peed in my hair
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