I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
