So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
