your parents love me but you hate me
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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