I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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