you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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