My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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