bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
