He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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