Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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