when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
