I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
