honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
