the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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