I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
