last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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