i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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