If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
