I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
