You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
