a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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