doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize