she woke up with a sticky ear
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Holy shit dude........stairs
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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