The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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