Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
