A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
