i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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