He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
