Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
