I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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