I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Randomize
