I can't breathe out the right side of my face
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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