My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
