she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
And then he peed in my hair
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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