I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
