please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
