Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
