Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize