I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
