69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
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