Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I touched a dick in church today
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
