hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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