so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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