I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
