mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
bring money and cleavage
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Panties = found
Randomize
