I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
